When it was me
by CenteredObsession
Summary: Set just after Sam and Phil split. Phil has a new girlfriend already and Sam is finding it hard to move on. i have used lots of dj boonie songs. I was just gonna use When it was me but the rest fitted in so well :x
1. When it was me jealousy

Narrowing her pretty grey eyes Samantha Nixon stared fixedly at the computer screen. The temptation to watch Phil and his new girlfriend _Mia_ was extremely strong. Across the small room Sam could feel Neil watching her. A frown wrinkled across her forehead and her dainty nose wrinked as she struggled to fight the urge.

**Shes got green eyes and she's 5'5  
Long brown hair all down her back   
Cadallac truck  
So the hell what,  
What so special about that**

She used to model  
shes done some acting  
so she weighs a buck o 5 and i guess  
she alright if PERFECTIONS what you like 

Phil always did know how to choose them the dumb bimbos who couldn't add 1 add 1. She didn't know why she cared even more. After all Sam had broken up with Phil, not the other way round There was this tiny nagging voice in her head though.

_"That could have been you, out there kissing him in the rain. That could have been you he's joking with. That could have been you if you'd just taken the risk"_

"Jealous??" Neil asked with a small smirk

"No!" Sam scoffed a little too quickly, " They don't have a brain cell between them" _thats why i love him he blunders in so cutely without an ounce of common sense. _

She shook her head to shake out that voice. Her conscience was not something she liked.

**oooooooo  
and im not jealous no im not  
oooooooo  
i just want everything shes got  
oooooooo  
you look at her so amazed  
i remember way back when you used  
to look at me that way **

"I just thought..." She began again as Neils head snapped up, "I guess i thought he'd try a bit harder to win me back. He said he loved me for God's sake!"

"But the word love and Phils mouth are old aquaintaces Sam," Neil mused.

Seeing the flash of hurt in Sam's eyes he quickly added,

"Of course Mia could be just a rebound,"

Sam shrugged giving in and gazing through the window. The girl was pretty sure. But Sam and Phil had so much chemistry, they always had. And what of that night in Romania, could Phil forget it so easily? Mia wasn't that much prettier than her was she?

**Tell me  
What makes her so much better than me  
What makes her just everything i can never be  
What makes her your every dream and fantasy  
Because i can remember when it was me**

As Sam touched up her make up in front of the toilet mirror Jo exited a cubicle.

"Who's the lucky guy?" She asked washing her hands.

"I don't know what your on about," Sam frowned, "Can't a girl look good for herself?"

"Don't tell me you want to compete with Mia for Phil? Sam!"

"I don't. I broke up with Phil remember?" She shook her head, "Why don't you think i'm worthy competition?"

Jo rolled her eyes in exasperation,

"Phil Hunters not worth it. He's your typical love rat,"

"I know," Sam sighed.

**And that you don't feel the same  
I remember you would shiver every time i said your name  
You said nothing felt as good as when you gazed  
into my eyes  
Now you don't care i'm alive  
How did we let the fire die  
**

"Decided to work today did we Phil?" Sam snapped as he entered CID dripping wet.

"Someone got out the wrong side of bed this morning," Phil snapped back annoyed to have his good mood challenged.

"Don't you dare chat back, your late and you can work through lunch to make up for it!"

"I'm five minutes late Sam, what the hell is your problem?"

"Its Guv to you," She turned and stormed back into the office.

"Well, you handled that well," Neil teased, "Definetly no jealousy there"

**oooooooo  
and im not jealous no im not  
oooooooo  
i just want everything shes got  
oooooooo  
you look at her so amazed  
i remember way back when you used  
to look at me that way**

What makes her so much better than me  
What makes her just everything i can never be What makes her your every dream and fantasy  
Because i can remember when it was me

Sam sighed and stared blankly at the screen once more. Her fingers unmoving, her page remaining blank and untyped on. It was going to take a long time to complete this paperwork. A memory flickered before her. Phil had ordered curry and they had stayed behind after work to complete paperwork, not long after her and Stuart had split. They had wine and just chatted. About the good old days with Ken and Eva and Debbie. About when Abi had gone missing, and about in the tunnels when Sam had saved Phils life. About when they had hated eachothers guts. She hoped they didn't return to that pure dislike. Not after she'd sampled his love.

**That made you smile  
Me  
That made you laugh  
Me  
That made you happier that you had ever been  
ohhh Me  
That was your world  
Me  
Your perfect girl  
**  
**Nothing aboout me has changed  
thats why im here wondering**

What makes her so much better than me  
What makes her just everything i can never be  
What makes her youre every dream and fantasy  
Because i can remember when it was me  
  
**Dj Boonie - when it was me**


	2. Just an old boyfriend poker

**I see you on the street  
My broken heart still skips a beat  
I hear your name inside I go insane  
Baby each day that we don't touch  
Is one more day it hurts too much  
I can't forget the love that we made**

"Hey Sam!" Phil called after her as she left the station.

Turning cautiously Sam fought the storm of emotions in her stomach and forced a tense smile.

"Yeh?"

"You okay? You were really stressed earlier,"

"Long day, sorry "

"Fancy a drink? Alcohol makes anything better!"

She smiled gently. No longer forced. Nodding they began to walk together towards the pub.

"So how are you and Mia?"

"Yeh, i think she's the one!" Phil grinned, dizzy with happiness

**But there'll come the moment that we're gonna meet (again)  
Baby it won't even bother me  
Trying to make it to the day you'll be  
Just an old boyfriend  
Won't be thinking of you every night  
Only wishing we could only try  
Won't tear me up inside  
Just an old boyfriend..**

Sam felt a wave of guilt. Here was Phil happy for once and her thinking of splitting them up. She did nothing but mess him around. But there was that old saying. Don't fall in love with someone you can live with; fall for someone you can't live without. Everytime Sam thought of a life without Phil she suffered a crippiling pain in her heart. It was unbearable. Impossible to live with. Like Phil. He was messy, loud, lazy. Yet she couldn't live without him.

"Here you go, one Sex On The Beach," Phil pushed the cocktail acrossed the table as he joined her,

"Phil!" she protested, "I asked for a white wine,"

"Oh live a little," he teased.

Shaking her head she left the table returning a few moments later with a pack of cards, which she placed in front of Phils confused face.

"Go on then, live a little," She smiled temptingly

**Anyone can see the love we killed is killing me  
I'm just so sad to lose what we had - Oh yeah  
There's no doubt that I should be ok by now  
But I'm not there yet  
It hurts me so bad but**

"Shame he said, my favourite games strip poker,"

"You'll have to get me way more drunk for that!"

"O.k lets play poker, only we're not betting money,"

"What then?" It was Sam's turn to look confused.

"If I win we go back to mine and play strip poker, with a twist!"

"And if i win?" Sam asked not daring to inquire of the twist.

"Don't worry you won't," he boasted confidently but as she rolled her eyes added, "What do you want?"

"A transfer," Sam said a little too quickly. She knew if she thought about it too long she'd never say it, "You transfer stations."

Sam could see the hurt look on Phil's face but he just nodded and began to deal. Sam felt so guilty. But it was the only way that she could get Phil out of her system. The temptation was just too strong. Deep down Sam hoped she would lose. Everything in her longed to play strip poker with Phil, to know what he would change to make the game his own. And without consciensly making the desicion she began to play badly. Really badly. Biting her lip she glanced up at Phil who appeared slightly bemused, he could see the worry in her eyes and cast her one of those heart melting Hunter smiles now reserved almost totally for Mia.

Phil meanwhile was playing at his best. There was no way he could honour that bet and transfer, never seeing Sam again. Allthough trying to deny it Phil was attracted to her, heavily. His body yearned for her with a burning passion that threatened to tear him up inside. He was furious with himself for beginning this though. Strip poker, with the woman he had thought to be the love of his life, and still did partly. So much for staying loyal to Mia, not cheating on someone for a change.

**From the moment that we're gonna meet (again)  
Baby it won't even bother me  
I'll be looking to the day you'll be  
just an old boyfriend  
Won't be thinking of you every night  
Only be wishing we could only try  
You won't tear me up inside  
just an old boyfriend**

"And I think, my gorgous Samantha that i have just thrashed you," Phil layed down his cards dramatically, "Full house!"

True they definitely beat her minor two pair, which she had been lucky to get.

"Looks like we're heading to mine,"

Sam sighed in exasperation but got up with him to get a cab. Neither of them had driven to work that day,

"Are you being the gentleman and paying?" Sam asked as they reached Phils and got out. He had already paid before she finished speaking leaving an extravagen tip, "You always were a show off, never mind that you can probably barely afford a chinese takeaway now!" she shook her head,

"Why bother when theres an indian just up the road which we can order in and beers in the fridge,"

"Beers, you certaintly know how to treat a lady!"

"Thats why i'm a lady's man!" He grinned,

"Love rat more like!"

"Just one more time," Sam told herself. " I just need him out of my system, need to prove to myself we can be freinds, besides it's only strip poker,"

_But is that all you want to happen? Your looking for more. You want to stay the night. Sleep with him, 'one last time' of course._

That little voice said. Sam shook it out. Ignoring it. It wasn't true.

**Nothing more and nothing less  
No more living with regret  
Your memory won't get  
The best of me,the best of me  
Oh you're gonna see**  
**From the moment that we're gonna meet (again)  
Baby it won't even bother me  
I'll be looking to the day you'll be  
just an old boyfriend  
Won't be thinking of you every night  
Only be wishing we could only try  
You won't tear me up inside  
just an old boyfriend**


	3. Falling in love

_**Thanks for all the great reveiws. Hope you enjoy x**_

_**---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**_

**Wise men say  
Only fools rush in  
But I can't help falling in love with you  
**

"So," Phil grinned, "Time to make the game our own," he led her through to his lounge.

It looked exactly the same as when she'd last seen it. A mess. Empty plates, dirty clothes and old newspapers littered the floor, cleaning was not his strong point.

"What do you mean?" She asked nervous.

"Everyone plays Strip poker, this is our signature game,"

"Yeah, what?"

"Strip chess,"

Sam snorted unwillingly, quickly hiding her mouth with her hand,

"Since when could you play chess??"

Phil rolled his eyes ignoring her,

"Why? You scared?" He pulled the chess set out from under some magazines and sat down in front of it, "You lose a pawn, you lose an item of clothing,"

She sat down shaking her head. It had shocked her enough that Phil possessed a chess board, let alone that he knew how to play.

**Shall I stay  
Would it be a sin  
If I can't help falling in love with you **

Ten minutes later a few pawns had left the table. Sam was grateful she had left her coat on before beginning. It lay beside her now, alongside her jacket. Phil had lost his too. She watched him biting her lip as she realised her big mistake. Wtih a swift move Phil took her queen.

"Now Sam that warrents three bits of clothing i'd imagine," he teased.

Slowly, but only half reluctantly Sam removed her top, skirt and tights. She shivered as she was left in just her thin underwear. She could feel Phils eyes someway from the board as she made her next move, allowing her to capture his bishop.

"What do you want? My trousers or shirt?"

"Shirt," She said with a moments consideration. As Phil removed it reveiling his tanned, muscled chest she knew she'd just lost heself the game. Her eyes could not stay away. It wasn't going to help Phil's ego either she realised with a sigh.

**Like a river flows(Ooooh ooh ooh)  
To the sea  
So it goes(Ooooh ooh ooh)  
Some things are meant to be  
Some things are meant to be **

They both stared into eachothers eyes as Phil made the winning move,

"What does that warrant?" She asked without breaking eye contact.

He gently pushed her to the floor, kissing her and slowly removing what clothes she had left. Her mind told her not to let this happen but her heart was winning for a change. After all it was just 'one last time' to get him out of her system.

**Take my hand (Take my hand)  
Take my whole life too (life too)  
For I can't help falling in love with you**

Wise men say  
Only fools rush in  
But I, I can't, I can't help falling in love (falling in love)  
With you (with you) 

Who was she kidding? Sam could never get Phil out of her system and Phil knew he was definitly in the same boat. All thoughts of Mia had long left his mind and as his lips grazed Sam's soft skin he knew they were gone for good.

"Check mate," He murmered.

They lay together for what seemed like hours before beginning to retreive their clothes. As Phil scrambled for his trousers however Sam pulled on his shirt. He turned in annoyance at not being able to find it to see her sitting , perched on the edge of the sofa, in just his shirt and her underwear.

"..." His mouth opened but no words came out.

"Can i stay here tonight?" she asked quietly, "For old times sake?"

"Sam i don't think it's for old times sake any more," he replied taking her hand and leading her gently upstairs.

**Like a river flows(Ooooh ooh ooh)  
To the sea  
So it goes(Ooooh ooh ooh)  
Some things are meant to be  
Some things are meant to be **

Take my hand (Take my hand)  
Take my whole life too (life too)  
For I can't help falling in love with you 

As she curled up in his arms her head on his chest she could feel his heart beating fast. His breath warm on the top of her head, and his arms strong and safe and good. He could feel her hair tickeling his face and the warmth of her body something he had missed immensly allthough he had barely felt it before.

"What happens now?" She whispered,

"La coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point" He replied,

"Huh?" she lifted her head to look him in the face but he softly pushed her back down.

"The heart has it's reasons where as reason knows nothing,"

**Take my hand (Take my hand)  
Take my whole life too (life too)  
For I can't help falling in love (falling in love with you)  
with you **

For I can't help  
falling in love  
falling in love with you 

**(Dj Boonie-can't help falling in love with you)**

**  
**


	4. Walk Away

**Sorry it's taken me so long to update its been hectic witht he SATs but there over now!! Yay, i got an 8 and two 7s , very proud:) I promise i will get down to finishing this fic now!! Song is Dj Boonie Walk Away. The first two entries in the diary were found on random sights so thanks to whoever wrote them i can't take credit. The poem however is my own creation . Read and reveiw!!! x**

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam awoke in the middle of the night to find the space beside her empty. A shiver ran through her body as she sat up pushing the still warm quilt off of her. A glance at the clock confirmed her thought that it was late or depending on your frame of mind early. It was 2:06am, her eyes blurred still from sleep she yawned deeply. What the hell was Phil doing up at this hour?

She felt butterflies in her stomach and began to feel increasingly sick as her little voice in her head began to bombard her with niggling worries.

_Phil is being a typical Hunter, last night was just a bit of fun to him .Not like to you it meant the world to you didn't it. Call yourself the dumper, your pathetic, here you are pining after him when he's down there somewhere thinking only of her. Mia._

After all, as Sam had been reminded so many times these last few weeks, Mia was perfect; every guys dream and fantasy.

**I saw you with your new girl just yesterday,  
And i feel that i must confess,  
Even though it kills me to have to say...  
I'll admit that i was impressed,**

Hearing the sounds of the television floating up from downstairs Sam slowly forced herself out of bed and began to creep towards the living room where the sound was situated. Pausing at the door to smooth her hair and the shirt she entered perching on the edge of the sofa. She smiled fondly at Phil, he was so absorbed in what he was doing he hadn't noticed her enter.

She felt that heart wrenching pain so familiar to her as she considered that Phil and Mia might possibly be better matched.

**Physically just short of perfection,  
Gotta commend you on your selection,   
Though i know i shouldnt be concerned,  
In the back of my mind i cant help but question..**

He swore quietly as he missed an easy open shot on the playstation game that had so occupied him, fifa football. Sam couldn't tell from looking just which he was playing, they all looked the same to her.

"I bet you I could beat you," she smiled nervously sinking onto the floor beside him.  
Spinnning hurredly in surprise he took a moment to register her comment. Then with a whistle he dug out the spare controller from under the mess of dirty clothes, some of which she noted to be hers, and held it out for her.

"You still playing for that transfer?" He searched her face cautiously as he prepared the game.

"I'm being Chelsea," She frowned switching controllers with him slowly, "I dunno, i'll tell you when i win! So do you and Mia do this?"

**Does she rub your feet (when you've had a long day)  
Scratch your scalp (when you take out your braids)  
Does she know that you (like to play ps2 till 6 in the morning like I do)**

"Are you kidding me?" He grinned, "She might break a _nail_!"

She laughed remembering how her and Phil had often stayed up all night on a playstation marathon, when they were friends not just when they were dating. She wondered why she hadn't asked for that transfer once more. After all Fifa was one thing Sam could beat Phil at. He was good at it oh yes, just as he was good at everything. But Sam had been getting some real practise in and knew Phil was not going to be expecting her to be good. She could easily beat him.

_But you don't want that transfer do you? You love him you want him to stay. Last night was one last time, getting it out of the system for __him __at least. He's moved on and your still holding on._

She cursed under her breath, why did Phil teach her to love him but not how to stop.

**I can't explain this feeling  
I think about it everyday  
and even though we've moved on  
it gets so hard to walk away  
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)  
walk away, walk away  
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)  
walk away  
(i cant forget it how we use to be)  
**

It was Phil's turn to curse, and very loudly as she well and truly thrashed him. Seeing her laugh he lept on her tickeling her untill she pleaded with him to stop. Pasuing he kissed her on her forehead. Taking in her warmth and sweet scent.

"Phil." She murmerd still laughing. He had her pinned down on the ground, her hands on his chest to try and prevent him tickeling her any more, "Phil, is this a one night stand?"

He frowned for a moment, not liking where the conversation was going, then slowly sat back up.

"You broke up with me Sam, and remember this was just meant to be for old times sake. Just fun yeh?"

She grabbed her clothes from the floor willing the oncoming tears to wait.

"Can you call me a taxi?" she asked quietly, "I think i've made a fool of myself enough."

"No way," he shook his head, "At this time of night? You know the dangers Sam, i'll drive you,"

Pausing as she pulled her top over her head she nodded and shrugged.

**I guess I gotta live my life from day to day  
hoping maybe you'll come back  
and though I tell myself not to be afraid  
to move on but it seems I cant  
no other man has given me attention  
it aint the same as your affection  
though I know I should be content  
in the back of my mind I cant help but question**

Collapsing into the chair at her house Sam shivered. Why was Phil so complicated? One minute she was sure he wanted her back the next she wasn't even sure he wanted to talk to her. He was right, she was the one who broke up with him not the other way round, maybe he was trying to hurt her like she hurt him. She sighed letting the long awaited tears fall before picking up her diary from the floor where she'd left it earlier the day before. It was open on her last entry and though blurry eyes she re-read it.

_I want to be the girl he is scared to lose  
The one he cannot walk away from knowing she is mad at him  
The one where he can't go to sleep without her voice being the last he hears  
I want to be...The one he can't live without._

Now with a sigh she scrawled the date and began her next entry.

_What do you do when the only one who can make you stop crying is the one who made you cry? _

_We'll never be friends, We'll love each other till it kills us both, and we'll fight, and hate each other but we still won't be friends. Love isn't brains, it's blood, coarsing through our veins, screaming at us to work it's will. _

_Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to mend than broken hearts._

**Does he kiss me on the forehead (before we play)  
Show up on my doorstep (with a bouquet)  
Does he call me in the middle of the day (just to say)  
Baby I love you (like you used too)**

Her mind drifted back to there time in Romania. It had been so special. Phil had proved reliabilty then so why had she doubted his ability to provide stability.True his previous relationships were failures but why should theres have been? However the fact that he protested love towards Mia and had still cheated on her with Sam was fresh in Sam's mind.

"Oh God" she groaned, "I'm the other woman!"

But still why was Phil, who she could swear had had more than lust in his eyes last night, pushing her away for Mia? Was he punishing her? Or was she just reading to much into what was seeming more and more like a one night stand.

**I can't explain this feeling  
I think about it everyday  
and even though we've moved on  
it gets so hard to walk away  
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)  
walk away, walk away  
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)  
walk away  
(i cant forget it how we use to be)**

Struggeling to breath through the pain Sam had a sudden memory of a poem she had been dating Stuart. It had been a long day at work and Phil had skived to be with Alfie who was ill. Stuart was taking her out for dinner but she had stopped to talk with Phil. There had been something he'd wanted to say that night, she could feel it, but she'd gone with Stuart. She'd written the poem that night but it seemed apropiate for the present. Flicking back she leafed through the pages until she found the correct one. Her eyes Glinting at the Memory.

_Always_

_Forever and for always,  
For never by your side.  
For having and holding,  
Until this love has died.  
Together forever,  
For always you and me.  
For pain and gain,  
Love and Loss  
And rewriting history._

**So hard to express this feeling  
Cause nobody compares to you (to you)  
And you know she'll never love you like I do**

**I can't explain this feeling  
I think about it everyday  
and even though we've moved on  
it gets so hard to walk away  
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)  
walk away, walk away  
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)  
walk away  
(i cant forget it how we use to be)**

Rewriting history, that made sense now more than ever, because some things are worth fighting for and Phil was definitely one of those things. They do say that love is like war, easy to start, hard to finish and impossible to forget. 

**  
**

**  
**

**  
**

**  
**


End file.
